Inner voice(personal/is)

When my friend recently asked me, "What is your inner dialogue right now?" I thought I should break it down into work and my personal life. 

This is the personal side, and what my inner voice is saying now. 

And if I'm being honest, a lot of it isn't very positive. Part of me feels like I'm not the husband I should be. Part of me feels like I'm not the Christian I should be. Part of me feels that I could have done a lot more as a dad. 

Part of me keeps replaying decisions from years ago and wondering why it took me so long to figure certain things out. I wish I had spent less money on things I didn't need. I wish I had started investing sooner. I wish I had built an emergency fund sooner. I wish I had paid more attention to where our money was going. I wish I had understood some things about the VA years earlier. I wish I had worked less. I wish I had spent more time with Angie and the kids. 

I wish I had pulled my head out of my butt a lot sooner.

Those thoughts show up more often than I'd like to admit. But that's not the whole conversation. Because at the same time, another voice reminds me of some things too.

I'm proud of my kids. One is married. Another is engaged. They are doing well and making their way through life. 

I have a wife that I genuinely enjoy spending time with. These days, we eat dinner together at home much more often than we used to. We laugh more. We spend more time together.

Financially, life is easier than it has ever been. Not because I suddenly became some financial genius.

A lot of that started because of the blessings that others poured into our lives. My father-in-law's passing changed our financial situation in ways that I never expected. Before that, a friend pointed me toward consolidating our debt and getting things under control. Those events changed the direction we were heading.

But even that comes with its own conversation in my head.

Because every blessing seems to be followed by a thought that says: "Imagine where you'd be if you'd figured this out ten years earlier."

And that's probably the voice I hear the most. Not that I failed. Not that my life has been bad. Just that I could have done better. I could have been more disciplined. I could have been wiser. I could have made different choices. I could have gotten here sooner.

The strange thing about getting older is that you start keeping score, whether you mean to or not. You look at what you got right. You look at what you got wrong. You look at the people you've lost.

I miss my dad.

I miss my father-in-law, Kennon.

I miss my mother-in-law, Billye.

I wish they were still here.

You look at the opportunities you took advantage of and the ones you missed. And somewhere along the way, you start measuring the life you've lived against the life you think you should have lived. 

That's where my inner dialogue lives these days. Not in anger. Not in bitterness. Not even in self-pity.

It's more like an ongoing review of the game film. Watching old plays. Seeing mistakes that seem obvious now. Wondering how things might have turned out differently. But at the same time, recognizing that there have been a lot of blessings along the way.

Maybe that's what my inner dialogue really sounds like.

A man who is grateful for what he has, proud of the family he helped build, thankful for the people who blessed his life, and yet still wishing he had figured some things out sooner.

I don't know if that makes sense. But if you're around my age, I have a feeling it probably does.