There has to be more(it hit me)

 The Moment It Hit Me

I think one of the hardest parts about getting older is realizing how much clearer life looks in hindsight.

There are things I missed because I was working too much. Things I missed because I was exhausted. Things I missed because I was mentally buried under stress, bills, work, survival, and just trying to keep moving forward. I think as parents, especially fathers, we convince ourselves that if we are working hard, providing, showing up when we can, and doing our best to hold everything together, then we are doing what we are supposed to do.

And maybe we are.

But hindsight has a way of showing you the moments you wish you had slowed down more for. The conversations you wish you had paid more attention to. The times you wish you had asked more questions, listened more carefully, or simply been more present emotionally instead of just physically.

One moment still sticks with me more than most.

My son had just finished baseball season and gotten his trophy. I pulled him aside for a quick picture with it. Just him and me for a second. Then he took off running back to his team and his friends. 

And I just stood there.

I remember realizing in that moment that I did not know anyone there. Not the team. Not the parents. Not the families. I suddenly felt less like part of his world and more like somebody standing on the outside looking in.

And to be clear, this was not his fault. He was a kid enjoying his team, his friends, and his moment. But standing there by myself, something hit me hard that day.

There is still no time I think about that moment without tearing up.

Life had changed. And maybe it had been changing for a long time, but I was too busy surviving to fully see it happening. And I know it probably sounds silly to some people. It was just a baseball game. Just a trophy picture. But to me, it was the moment I realized life had changed in a way I was not yet ready for.

I realized life was moving forward whether I was ready for it or not. It truly felt that the years ahead would not look the same as the years behind me. I felt I was losing my son, my kids, because I suddenly realized how quickly those seasons of life were disappearing.

I think part of me knew right then that no matter how badly I wanted to hold onto those years, life was never going to feel quite the same again.

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