The weight of it all(therapy n meds)

 Therapy and meds

I think a lot of men struggle with the idea of therapy and/or medication because there is still a stigma attached to both of them. Some men hear the word therapy and immediately think it means weakness. Like you are broken, unstable, or unable to handle your own life. Much of that stems from how therapy has been portrayed over the years. The media made it seem goofy or awkward. You picture somebody lying on a couch, talking about their childhood, while a therapist takes notes in silence.

The reality is that therapy today can look completely different than that.

Some therapy is done in person. Some is done online through video chat from your own house. Some is one-on-one. Some is group therapy. Some therapists are very direct, while others are more conversational. There are many different approaches and personalities out there. I have had several therapists myself. I liked all of them, but there was one that I had a harder time connecting with because our personalities did not mesh very well. That does not mean therapy does not work. It just means that sometimes you have to find somebody with whom you are comfortable talking. Even though that therapist still helped me in some ways.

I think that is important for people to understand. Therapy is not some magical instant fix, and not every therapist is going to be the right fit for every person. But having somebody to talk to who is outside of your normal day-to-day life can help more than many people realize.

Medication has a stigma attached to it, too. Some people think taking medication means you are weak, broken, or looking for an easy way out. The truth is, medication is simply another tool that can help some people manage anxiety, depression, PTSD, sleep problems, panic, or other struggles that start affecting daily life. And just like therapy, finding the right medication is not always instant either. I personally went through three different medications before I finally felt like they were actually making a difference. Sometimes it takes time. Sometimes adjustments have to be made. Sometimes one thing works for one person while something completely different works for somebody else.

As I was talking to my therapist this morning, I thought of an analogy that really made sense to me. There is a video of a professor standing in front of a class with a large pickle jar. He fills the jar with golf balls and asks the class if the jar is full. They all say yes. Then he pours in a cup of pebbles, shakes the jar, and the pebbles settle into all the empty spaces around the golf balls. He asks again if the jar is full. Again, the class says yes. Then he pours sand into the jar, filling every tiny remaining space. Once more, he asks the class if the jar is full. They chuckle and say yes. 

To me, that fits life perfectly.

The golf balls represent the major trauma in my life. Things like family members dying right in front of me, war, divorce, my kids moving away, major relationship problems, losing people I cared about, or moments in life that changed me forever.

The pebbles represent the medium-sized trauma that slowly starts adding weight over time. Work stress. Financial problems. Marriage struggles. Feeling disconnected from your kids. Constant worrying. Sleepless nights. Feeling stuck in life. Feeling like you are carrying the entire weight of your household. Burnout. Feeling alone even when you are surrounded by people.

Then there is the sand. The smaller things that seem insignificant on their own slowly fill every remaining space in the jar. Arguments over stupid things. Traffic. Bills in the mail. The washing machine breaking. Feeling underappreciated. A bad shift at work. A rude patient. Worrying about ever being able to retire. Not having enough time. Constant bad news. Feeling disconnected from people. The house needs repairs. Losing patience easier than you used to. Never truly feeling rested. By themselves, the sand grains seem tiny. But eventually, they fill every empty space left in the jar.

I think that is what happens to many people. It is not always one giant traumatic event that finally breaks somebody down. Sometimes it is years and years of slowly filling the jar until there is simply no room left. And honestly, I think a lot more people around us are struggling than we realize. Some are just better at hiding it than others.

Therapy is not a weakness. Medication is not a weakness. Getting help before things completely fall apart is not a weakness. The real problem is when people suffer in silence because they are afraid of being judged for trying to get better.

At the end of the day, taking care of your mental health should not be viewed any differently than taking care of your physical health. If your body needed treatment, rest, or help healing, nobody would expect you to simply “tough it out” forever.

Your mind deserves the same care.

Just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy… and you don’t have to carry it alone.

If this sounds like you, talk to somebody. It does not have to be me, but do not keep carrying everything by yourself. Reach out to a friend, family member, pastor, counselor, or somebody you trust. If you're unsure where to start, I'll help point you in the right direction.

I have been there. In some ways, I am still there. I am a work in progress, too.

Asking for help is not a weakness. Sometimes it takes more strength to speak up than it does to stay silent.