In a dark place(part 2)

 I know that losing several people that I cherish in my life, who passed away in a relatively short period, has definitely impacted me. Watching all of them take their last breaths is hard. One of the things that will shake you to your core is when you talk to someone shortly before they pass away. I clearly remember my dad asking me, "Is it bad?" He asked me this as he had a CPAP mask on with multiple medication drips keeping his blood pressure high enough to keep him alive. I watched my father-in-law slowly slip away. He hadn't been conscious for some time and drifted off. Angie's mom held on for so long. It was nice to sit there with her, talk to her(even though she couldn't respond), laugh, and tell stories. All three of these fantastic people loved the Lord, and we knew that they were singing God's praises as soon as their earthly bodies gave up. Those are visuals that don't ever go away. 

A while back, I started going to a VA medical provider. That has been an excellent experience for the most part. I have learned that hiding what is happening with you is just plain dumb. As a medical provider, I should know better than just saying everything is okay and expecting it to improve. It wasn't until probably the third or fourth visit that I talked to them about my mental health. I was put in contact with a mental health professional, and through them, I was placed on meds. I will be the first to say that the meds are not working for me. I have tried 2 different meds and neither has really helped me. So we will see what is next on the agenda as far as that goes. 

Some things bother me when I think about them. First, I would say that finding out that I could have put in for higher VA benefits years ago was a kick in the junk. I have battled with health problems since I got out of the military. Not only would it have helped me know what was going on with me, but it would have helped me financially. I have struggled for over 20 years, and it could have been avoided had I known. Along with the financial issues, I have felt like a bad parent as I have not been able to provide for my family as I think that I should have. Not to mention that I was either working all the time or flat worn out from working all the time when I could have spent more quality time with my family. 

It can be an ugly picture when life slows down and all of your thought processes catch up to you. You doubt yourself as a father, a husband, and a man. You feel bad about your decisions; you thought what you did was best for everyone, but it wasn't. I have snapshots in my head that come up all the time. There is a picture of Kai holding a baseball trophy, which is a time in my head that I struggle with. Then, I felt that the kids didn't care about returning to my house on my visitation weekends. I can't tell you if that was the case, but that was how I felt. Now here I am, we are doing well financially, I am working way less than I ever have, I get to see my kids all the time, and here I am in a funk that I just can't shake. I should be happy all the time, I should be glad that I am not working all the time, and I should be out and about when I am off. But, truth be told, when I get home from work, I sit in my recliner and do nothing. I watch TV, and sometimes I just fall asleep out of boredom. I used to do things around the house, and I have even stopped. For that, I really feel bad. 

Going through a divorce as a dad is one of the worst things a man can go through. If your kids are the most essential thing in your life, and you just get to see them every other weekend, it cuts you straight to the core. Then, as time passes, you see how they are getting along well without you, and then you feel that you're no longer as important as you once were. Recently, I have been able to do things for my kids and make plans I once thought impossible. I have been able to give them something that I never thought I would be able to. I could not hold back my emotions when I gave Kai his gift. I wanted him to know that what I gave him was to help make up for what I could not give him through the years. I am sure that when I am on my trip to Japan with my daughter Jen and on our cruise with Chris, I will also be a basket case.  I will forever feel that I have failed as a dad. I could not provide the kids with the time and things they deserved. But hopefully, I have made a dent in that hole. 


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