In a dark place

 It has been some time since I have written something here. It is not due to laziness, I can't really say why I haven't. I have been in a dark place for almost a year now, and I can't seem to shake it. I can't tell you exactly when it started, and I can't even say why. 

I was up early yesterday morning. It was the first time I had woken in bed to Angie's alarm in... I can't say how long. But even though I could have gone back to sleep, my brain wouldn't let me. This voice in my head keeps saying, "You're a fraud." I have the feeling that I am not a good dad, I feel that I am not a good husband, I am a bad Christian, I am a bad step-parent, and I am not the medic that people think I am. I am not the happy person that I appear to be at work and around the people I love. I am not the model employee I once was. I am not "living the dream" as I always tell people.  I do not say those things to get people to tell me that I am none of them; it is just how I feel. 

I love my wife, I love being married to her, and I love being with her. But I know I am not showing her the love she deserves. She knows something is wrong, but doesn't know what to do about it. There is nothing she can do differently or better. I know she wants me to feel better, but she doesn't know how to help me. I fear that one of these days, she will tell me she can't live like this anymore. I don't mistreat or talk bad to her, but I just know I am not the loving husband I am supposed to be. I have all this time to spend with her, and I am just not happy to be around. For so long, I have worked so much, and now I have the time to make up for those lost times, and I am just a schlub to be around. I wish that I were the fun person that I used to be. I want to be silly and have fun with her. 

Years ago, I had a partner who was older than me, and they would tell me about having depression, and I just couldn't understand it. They seemed to have everything together. They had a good marriage, were involved in their church, had a successful business, and did well financially. But here they were, depressed. We didn't talk about it; they would just tell me how they felt, and that was it. I compared myself to them, and at the time, I felt like I was the one who should have been depressed. But I was so busy working so much, I just didn't have time for that. 

As a Christian, I should have nothing to do with depression. I should be a joyous person who has no cares in the world. I watch sermons, take notes, and pass them along to others. I believe what I hear, I believe that God loves me and He wants me to be happy. But...I'm just struggling along. I feel worse when I think of how and what I should be doing. It seems like a round robin that I can't seem to get off of. Jesus tells us that He will provide everything that we need; He has done that. I can say that we are doing better now than ever, and why I feel this way is beyond me. I know that I am supposed to give my first and best to the Lord, and I am not doing that, yet He continues to bless me more than I deserve. 




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