I am struggling

 It has been a while since I posted anything and for that I am sorry. I have been struggling in my personal life for quite some time but it has really come to a head in the past several weeks. 

I was having dinner with my son Kai and his now fiancé the other weekend and he was telling me about a podcast he has been listening to. He sent me a screenshot of it and I looked it up. The podcast was an episode of the Shawn Ryan podcast, I have heard some of Shawn Ryan's podcasts but mostly shorts on FB or YouTube. The particular podcast Kai was talking about is the one with Navy Captain Brad Geary. Captain Geary is the Commander of the Navy SEAL school and he has been under fire after the death of a sailor who was going through SEAL training. The part of the podcast that really hit home for me was when Captain Geary was telling about when he was in charge of a SEAL team that sustained extensive loss in a helicopter crash. He talked about the difficult decision he had to make to stay overseas and complete his mission rather than come home to attend the funeral of his fellow SEAL's. 

Captain Geary stayed overseas, and his wife attended all of those funerals. When he came home he was not the same person who left on that deployment. He told of how he was at a doctor's appointment with his wife and how the doctor asked him how long he had an issue with rage. He was taken aback by this and the doctor asked if he could ask him some questions. Captain Geary spoke of what he was doing that was not like him. The one thing he said that just hit me like a ton of bricks was when he said "I thought you haven't earned the right for me to be vulnerable enough to share my grief with you because you weren't downrange with me, because you didn't endure what I did". At that moment I thought of the times when I said to myself, "You don't have the right to say you're tired because you haven't been awake for the hours that I have". Or "You can't feel like you do because you haven't seen the things I have seen or done the things I have done". He also said that it took someone who had the courage to tell him "You have a problem with rage and you need to deal with and I was good at not showing it". 

It was after hearing what he said that I broke down, I started thinking of the things I have done over the years. People who have worked with me have seen me blow up at some simple things. My family has seen me go from easygoing to flying off the handle at the smallest things. I don't yell but I have raised my voice and I can be condescending at times.  After I came to the realization that I have a problem with rage I really started to feel bad about the people I have hurt. I thought of my family, my friends, and my co-workers. Since that time I have been in a funk. Angie has told me that since I told her what I was feeling I haven't been the same. This too hurts me. 

I know that I haven't been the same, I don't feel like doing much and I haven't even been fishing much either. I have informed my boss on what its going on as well as informed them that I won't be working any extra until I get my life back in order. I don't like feeling this way, and I want to get back to the way I was(or even better).  My initial attempt at getting to see a therapist has not worked out yet, but I am not giving up on that. I will also be trying other avenues as well. 

I ask you to keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I will start posting again more regularly when I am feeling better. Thank you to all who have read my posts, I especially like the comments. 

Comments

  1. AnonymousAugust 29, 2024 at 2:20 PM

    Thank you for sharing. I have a couple of bible verses I would like to share with you during these times: Isiah 41:10 ; Joshua 1:9 ; Pslam 116:5-6; and John 16:33.

    You are loved and I look forward to more posts in the future.

    ReplyDelete
  2. JoeyAugust 29, 2024 at 3:30 PM

    You might have thought that people’s suffering didn’t equate your own at some point in your past but I believe that you possess enough emotional intelligence to recognize that everyone’s burden is relative to their experience. There are as many versions of reality as there are people to experience it, and their suffering is unique to them. You might have worked 100 hour work weeks and you’re exhausted, but you’re not starving in a third world country. Similarly, you might have seen things I couldn’t even imagine during your years in the army and especially as a paramedic, but I’m sure you’d say there are things I’ve experienced that you haven’t and that’s the beauty of the human condition. We can find common ground and we can help each other heal, and we can laugh and we can cry but we can do that TOGETHER.

    I’m proud of you, I love you endlessly. Keep trying to find a therapist, but in the meantime just try to ground yourself on things that have brought you happiness.

    ReplyDelete

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