Do you know what it's like...(part 1)

 I have been asked by many people what my purpose is for writing my blog, but I still can't pin down a real answer to that question honestly. To me, it is like I have all these things in my head and nobody to tell them to. I also think maybe someone might have the same thoughts and think that they are the only one. Maybe this is also a therapy for me, just writing things down helps me clear my head. Definitely not like an etch-a-sketch, making a picture and shaking it to erase it. I do feel some relief, but some things you can never forget. Oh, I have tried to get therapy but that effort has been futile, if you've tried then you know. This post will have a couple if not a few parts, it is a list of things that I have been through that just swim around in my head. 

As I have said before, I have worked mainly in two different careers. I have worked hard in both careers, and I have been passed over for higher positions in both careers. When I was a helicopter mechanic I started off in the service and then carried on as a contractor. I was initially a Blackhawk mechanic and then worked on the Chinook. I learned the ins and outs of both aircraft, and I was very proficient with them both. At one point I was on the flight line for both aircraft, I could fly in one and then be flying in the other doing in-flight checks and adjustments when back on the ground. There were several opportunities for me to advance but was told several times that "we can't afford to lose you as a mechanic". Those words should make you feel good in all actuality, however, they can also leave you disheartened. The last time that this happened to me I was very upset. I was not given a promotion to supervisor, and the person who got the position was a specialty mechanic. They only knew how to do one job, and although he was very good at his job, he only knew that one job. I had experience with the maintenance of the whole aircraft. I could work on the structures(sheet metal), the electrical, the powertrain(engines), the flight controls, the rotor systems, you name it and I could work on it. not to mention that I had held the position of team lead.  I went into the boss's office and I was livid, the guy who was promoted was in there as well. I will be the first to admit that I had tears running down my face and I was loud. I asked "How can you give this clown(yes I said that) the position over me?!" This guy does not have the experience that I do and he is an asshole(yes I said that too)" I was calmly told that I was needed as a mechanic and that when another opportunity comes along...Blah Blah Blah. I felt lost, I was hurt and I just wanted to quit. What is the point of working your butt off to go nowhere, and really just get more work put on you? In retrospect, not getting that promotion was a blessing. Down the road, I was given a Technical Inspector position, and that turned out to be the best job I ever had. 

  While in EMS, I have been passed over many different things. There are the promotions to elevate you in rank and responsibility and then there are the accolades that are given out usually once a year or maybe a quarter. I worked really hard and many hours when I was an EMT. I felt like I was one of the better EMTs at my service, I got along with everyone I worked with, I knew my job and I was always trying to learn new things. When I achieved my paramedic license I continued to work hard and countless hours. I was nice to my partners, nice to my patients, and provided the best care that I could possibly deliver. I have never been given the EMT or Paramedic of the Year, and until this year I am pretty sure that I was never nominated for it either.  After a few years, I was given the title of FTO(Field Training Officer), which isn't really a promotion, it is more like a different job title, You are given students that you are to teach while they are on your unit, you are also given new employees to evaluate and help get them ready to perform their duties when they are released on their own unit. At the last big service I worked for, I was told that they had too many supervisors and that I was going to remain an FTO. I stayed that way for quite some time. As things moved on they lost supervisors, so they gave some FTOs the responsibilities of the Captains. There was no pay increase, of course, just a whole lot more work. After this continued for some time, I watched others get promoted over me. They were people who didn't have the work ethic that I had and in my opinion, didn't have the standards that I did. So here I sit, almost 22 years and I am just a line paramedic. I will say that at the service I am with now, I have put in for promotions but I have removed my name from the list for personal reasons. I am not in EMS for accolades but to be recognized for your hard work is nice.  We will see what the future brings, but I don't feel hopeful. 

This next one is a subject that I know many many men have felt. It was early in 2001(if I remember right) that I was advised by my then-wife that she wanted a divorce. I have never been given the diagnosis of cancer, but if I were to guess that news would hit you about the same as hearing the word divorce. As a dad who was very involved in every part of the kid's life, I was devastated and lost. I was the one who took the kids to church and church activities, I was the one who took the kids to their sports events, and I was the one who did all of the school events. If I wasn't at work then I was with the kids. I knew that when the divorce was finished I was going to be limited to the standard every other weekend, splitting the holidays and 2 weeks in the summer. I didn't know what to do, I was numb. Just before all of this, I had a close friend who was going through a tough time. I remember telling him that it was ok to cry, that even grown men need to cry sometimes. Not too long after that, I went to see my pastor at his house, I told him what was going on and I was just blubbering like a baby. I stopped eating, my work production went to crap, I just felt hopeless and lost. You try to stay strong for your kids, but when after I would put them to bed I would just sit there and cry. Another thing that makes matters worse is to see that the person that you loved is just going on like everything is just fine and tells you to get on with life. In the end, it was worse than I expected, the kids moved out of the house, they started new schools, and I got to see them only every other weekend. To make matters worse they moved out of state, (thankfully due to a friend who helped me through the divorce process) it was only to just inside the Florida line. The hopelessness did not go away for years and years. My sadness continued once the kids were to the age where they could make the decision to stay at their house in Florida. I don't blame them at all for that, they had all of their friends there, their sports and they had more things to do there that I could never give them.