If I could only go back(part 2)

 I will say that this post will be for the mature only. It will be a sensitive and adult topic so please be forewarned. 


Porn, Webster's dictionary defines porn as 1. The depiction of erotic behavior(as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement. 2. Materials (such as books, or a photograph) that depict exotic behavior and its intended to cause sexual excitement. 3. The depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction. Some quick statistics on porn, According to a study performed by BYU, 58% of Americans have watched pornography at least once in their lifetime/ According to Webroot, 40 million American people regularly visit porn sites, and 35% of all internet downloads are related to porn.


Smoking, According to the CDC approximately 28.3 million Americans smoke. That is 11.5% of the population, it kills 1 out of every 5 deaths. Each cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, affects fertility and it produces 1.69 billion pounds of toxic trash each year. Smoking is an addiction. According to the NIH nicotine stimulates central nAChR's and results in the release of a variety of neurotransmitters in the brain most importantly dopamine. The release of dopamine can give you feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation. 


Smoking and porn are both what could be called disgusting habits, they both produce some of the same feelings and I am guilty of both of these addictions. 


I will never forget the first time that I saw a pornographic magazine, we went to the airport in Roanoke to get my dad from work. I was maybe 10 or so and while we were waiting for Dad I went into the bookshop in the terminal and I went to the magazine rack. I was looking at all the pictures on the covers and for some reason, I picked up a playboy magazine. I was flipping through the pages and then my parents came in, they saw what I had and told me to put it back. It was laughed off at the time...If I could only go back


I can't tell you the first time that I tried smoking, I can say that my Dad smoked the whole time that I was growing up. I remember times when he would send me to get smokes for him, it was just a regular thing and I saw nothing wrong with it. I can remember the first time that I took a pack of his smokes from a carton in the fridge. I was in summer school(don't ask) and the junior high and high schoolers were in the same building. I would hang around with the older kids that were smoking and therefore I would do it too. If I could only go back


I joined the Army the year after I graduated high school and this should have been the time that I put these nasty habits aside. I was on the bus from Ft. Dix to Ft. Eustis, and upon stopping for dinner at a rest stop I was an idiot and bought a pack of smokes. When I was in school at Ft. Eustis I not only smoked but I changed brands to one that was worse for me. During my Army career and continuing on after that both of these nasty habits were part of my life. If I could only go back


Throughout my first marriage, and current marriage there were times that I looked at porn, in my head I knew it was wrong but it didn't change my physical relationship so I thought what did it matter. I pretty much thought the same thing with my smoking. I didn't smoke in the car, I didn't smoke in the house, and definitely didn't smoke around the kids. It wasn't until my daughter said "Daddy you stink" that I realized this was something that I needed to stop. I can tell you that it took me more than one try but I did stop. On January 1, 1995, I quit smoking, and on January 19th that year my oldest son was born and had to go to the children's hospital for respiratory complications. I remember calling my Dad crying my eyes out telling him "I sure picked a bad time to quit smoking!"


I know that it is impossible to imagine but there are still times when I would like a smoke. At times I miss the flavor, I miss the calmness that smoking can bring you, and I just miss having a smoke in my hand. I also have times when I feel myself drawn back to porn, it is easier to hide than smoking so I feel I can get away with it easier. Neither of the above do I want to fall back into and I will continue to fight the urges. It is a battle with any addiction, and you have to keep fighting..Never give up!


If I could only go back to that day in the airport, to the day I stole those smokes from the refrigerator ...IF I COULD ONLY GO BACK!



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