The hits keep coming, Depression(part 5)

 I started this blog with no real direction and no real goals to it. I had so many thoughts in my head, dark spots, and things that I just didn't know how to deal with them. I have talked about my financial woes, my divorce, my family, and my careers, but I haven't really put out there what is happening in my head. There have been so many horrible things that I and others in my life have seen or dealt with and I just keep going like nothing really happened. I have told some of my really close friends that I feel like I am broken. That weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along.


When the C-130 from Puerto Rico crashed, that was a very difficult time for me. After we cleared the call I went right back to work and finished my shift, I couldn't tell you how many calls I ran after the crash but there were many. I get a bad feeling in my gut every time I see black smoke on the horizon. I think about the tail of the aircraft sitting there in the road when I pass that stretch of Hwy 21. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along.

I have seen who knows how many dead people whether it be through natural causes or trauma, numerous dead children, and thousands of sick and injured people. You get done with one call and you clear up and go to the next, you're a machine. I know there have been many people who have moved on from EMS because of what they have seen or done. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along.

My work situation has been complicated by the fact that I have been working so many hours. For the first thirteen years in EMS I worked during the day on helicopters and at night on the ambulance. I could not tell you how many days I have gone without sleep. I took 15-minute naps in my car during break times when I was at the hangar. I took short naps whenever I could in the front of the ambulance when I was working EMS. Working like that is not healthy, but I needed to make ends meet. Working through exhaustion can either save you or at times sink you. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along.


When I was off from work I tried to do as much as I could do with my family. Angie and I were married the month before I started working EMS, she has known nothing but me being gone the majority of the time and tired whenever I have been home. My kids really knew nothing but Dad was always tired, Dad can't afford this or that, and Dad can't go or come to this or that because he has to work. I have said here that I regret how I have been as a dad throughout my kid's younger years, I wish that things could have been better but what is done is done. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along.


I watched my father-in-law take his last breath surrounded by his family, I helped the staff place him in a body bag and shortly after just left the hospital like it was just another day. Kennon was a Godly man who had done so much for my family, he had put smiles on our faces, helped us around the house, and even put money in our hands. Why was I not a basket case the day that he passed? I watched my Dad take his last breath, I held his hand as he slipped away and I kissed his forehead when they pronounced him dead. I did cry a little but why was I not curled up in the corner blubbering like a child. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along. 


As a man you are expected to provide for your family, provide for your employer hoping that they will provide enough for you to make it and somehow be happy no matter what is going on in your life. No matter what happens in your life you have to put a smile on and do what you have to do. Being a man is not easy, being a dad is harder, and being a medic on top of those two things makes it all seem harder. I have felt lost, I have felt weak, I have felt overwhelmed and I have felt broken. I am broken, that weight is in my head and I just keep plugging along. 


There is an artist named Dax and he has a song called "To Be a Man" and the lyrics are spot on. "Yeah, I know this life can really beat you down, uh, You wanna scream but you won't make a sound, uh, Got so much weight that you've been holdin', But won't show any emotion, as a man, that goes unspoken, That we can't cry when life gets hard, Unconditional love for women, children and dogs, We know that we just have to play our parts, And don't nobody give a damn about our broken hearts, yeah, As a man, we gotta pave our way, Our only function is to work and slave, There's no respect for you if you ain't paid, You're disregarded as a human and you can't complain".....I can't hide myself, I don't expect you to understand, I just hope I can explain, What it's like to be a man (what it's like to be a man), It's a lonely road (it's a lonely road), And they don't care 'bout what you know (care 'bout what you know), It's not 'bout how you feel, But what you provide inside that home." 


The chaos persists, but so do I

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I am that guy

 Over the years, I have questioned many things that people have done or not done to make their situations worse. Over the last couple of weeks, I have seen people who have had to lose parts of their bodies because they didn't take care of their diabetes. I have seen people who have had cardiac issues because they didn't control their cholesterol. I have also seen what happens to people who haven't led the healthiest of lifestyles.  Well, I am here to tell you that I have done all of the above, too.  In 2010, I was doing well for myself. I was running all the time, I would do 5-6 miles several times a week, and once a week, I would do a long run from 11-13+ miles. I lost some weight, and I felt good about myself. I got hurt after running a simple 5k with my boys, which was essentially the end. I did buy a nice bike to ride longer distances with, but unfortunately, I just couldn't make that work for me the way I wanted it to. There was one exception: When I went overseas,...
Read more

I am struggling

 It has been a while since I posted anything and for that I am sorry. I have been struggling in my personal life for quite some time but it has really come to a head in the past several weeks.  I was having dinner with my son Kai and his now fiancé the other weekend and he was telling me about a podcast he has been listening to. He sent me a screenshot of it and I looked it up. The podcast was an episode of the Shawn Ryan podcast, I have heard some of Shawn Ryan's podcasts but mostly shorts on FB or YouTube. The particular podcast Kai was talking about is the one with Navy Captain Brad Geary. Captain Geary is the Commander of the Navy SEAL school and he has been under fire after the death of a sailor who was going through SEAL training. The part of the podcast that really hit home for me was when Captain Geary was telling about when he was in charge of a SEAL team that sustained extensive loss in a helicopter crash. He talked about the difficult decision he had to make to stay...
Read more

Desert Storm(part 2)

SECTION 1 — The Port The flight in was its own kind of stress. Fear wasn’t the driving force, but the uncertainty sat in everyone’s gut. None of us knew what we were flying into, how long we’d be there, or what things were going to look like once we hit the ground. We carried weapons on the plane, packs jammed everywhere, and zero room to move. Every seat was filled. Every aisle. Everything about it said the same thing: this is real now. Everyone thinks “desert” means heat. We sure did. We figured we’d step off the plane and just bake. Instead, we arrived in the dead of winter, and the first thing that hit us wasn’t heat — it was the cold. There was freezing rain, sharp wind, and absolutely nowhere to get warm. It wasn’t what we expected, and that only added to the whole “what exactly are we getting into?” feeling. We lived at the port in a massive warehouse packed with thousands of soldiers. No heat, no privacy, barely enough bathroom facilities for the number of people crammed in ...
Read more