The hits keep coming, Depression(part 1)

For the people who have worked with me or around me, they have heard me say this "Living the dream" over and over. However, the truth is that for some time this has been far from the case. I am not sure if what has been going on in my life is stress, depression, or I am not sure what exactly you could call it. 


I have to say that the worst day of my life had to be when my ex said that she wanted a divorce. I knew that this meant the absolute best part of my life, the kids were no longer going to be the center of my life. I lived to do things with the kids, sports, outdoor activities, church, and school functions, it was all going to end. 


There was a guy that I worked with at the hanger named "Leg", he was a good guy who was going through a rough time at home. One day as we were talking he started crying and he apologized I said "Don't worry my friend, we all need to cry sometimes". Needless to say less than a month later I would be the one bawling as my marriage was ending.  For days, months, and years I cried in silence from heartache, from the void. I got to see the kids occasionally, you get visitation but that is just a mere fraction of the time you used to spend. The time goes by but that empty feeling and heartache never does. 


For anyone who has never been through a divorce and worse still a divorce with kids involved, there is nothing that will kick you in the junk more. As a man, the court system is stacked against you in ways that you can't imagine. I am not saying that this is always the case but for the majority of the time it is. When you go through the process the dad is given minimal options and you just have to deal with it. I was lucky in the fact that we went through mediation and thanks to a great friend I wasn't totally out of options. But I did get the standard visitation every other weekend, Wednesdays, and splitting the holidays. 


After some time we all settled into the visitation routine the next kick in the junk came. The kids were moving over 2 hours away, which meant getting to all the school events. sporting events and the like were out of the question. Remember through all of this I was working 2 full-time jobs to make ends meet and exhaustion was just a normal state for me. I felt and still feel bad about the fact that I couldn't do what the kids wanted to do when they were with me because I was so tired. 


I felt (and still feel at times)like a failure as a Dad, and I still regret all the time that I spent away from them. I can honestly say that I am so proud of all they have achieved and am so happy that they are the amazing people they have become. What I also feel is that what they have achieved and who they are really isn't because of me, I just had limited input in that. 


"The chaos persists, but so do I"

Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2024 at 4:53 PM

    Your old buddy from high school also went through a divorce a couple years ago after being with someone who treated him badly! He has a daughter who is with him every other week and will graduate high school this year!
    He kept hanging onto the marriage even after he moved out , so we(mom and dad) helped him find a mediator to get the paperwork done! He’s now much happier with a partner with her two younger children, not living together, but nearby!
    He was very emotionally damaged from his previous relationship!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2024 at 9:13 PM

    I guess Zach was lucky because he got custody of his kids. That doesn't normally happen I Georgia

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJuly 16, 2024 at 11:12 AM

    You my friend have never been a failure at anything.

    ReplyDelete

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